Never to Begin
by Me-Nuriko
Summary: A short, dark 'what if'.


Sorry about this. I had to know if I could write something dark, and when the idea to this story got caught in my mind, I had to write it down to get it out of my system. 

****

Never to Begin

It was a hard fight, like always. They had met several times now, no one victorious. Ban had hoped that going into Mugenjou, fighting Raitei, could somehow ease his pain. But so far the pain was worse. Yamato, the first friend he had ever had, dead by his own hands. How was he supposed to forget that? How was he supposed to live on with that?

This Raitei was the strongest opponent Ban had ever fought. Ban let his frustration transform into rage, and he let all that rage hit the Thunder Emperor. But Raitei was still standing. So was Ban, unfortunately. He wasn't going to give in so easily, but somewhere deep down, he knew he would welcome death. 

A moment of lost concentration, the focus on the fight lost in thoughts, and he was hit by his opponent. This time it was serious, he could feel it. Deadly serious. Ban was on the ground; he felt no pain but he knew he wasn't going to stand up again, ever. He smiled inside. Finally he was going to escape his curse. There were no regrets, only relief that it was over.

He could hear footsteps and when he slowly managed to turn his head, he could see Raitei kneeling beside him. Ban looked up and into his eyes, not using Jagan, there was no reason to do that now, and he didn't have enough strength anyway. Brown, sad eyes looked down at him, and suddenly Ban's relief of dying was gone. Somehow those eyes made him want to live. There was something waiting for him, if he lived. Something wonderful. But he knew it was too late. His vision darkened, and the last thing he heard before death swept him away was Raitei's words. "I'm sorry, Midou Ban."

---

Amano Ginji rose from Midou Ban's dead body. He was sad, like always when he had killed someone. This time there was something different, though. He had looked into Midou's eyes and seen a… friend? Ginji's heart ached; something was terribly wrong. A voice inside him whispered: 'You weren't supposed to kill him!"

His friends from Volts emerged. They had wisely enough run away at the beginning of the fight. He had told them to do so, because he couldn't control his power and didn't want his friends to be hurt, or killed, by him. 

"You finally took out that bastard," Shido said.

"I killed him, Shido." Ginji's voice almost trembled.

Shido looked at him, surprised. "You've killed enemies before. I know you don't like it, but I don't think you had much choice. It was you or him. Like it always is."

Kazuki put a comforting hand on Ginji's shoulder. "Shido's right. Midou was trying to kill you, and he was very strong. It had to end with his, or your, death."

"But he was… I mean, it could have been…" Ginji went silent. He didn't know what to say, didn't know how to describe this empty feeling inside him. Instead he shrugged and said with a sigh: "I guess you're right. Come on, let's go back home. Kazu-chan, can you have someone take care of Midou's body?" 

"Of course, Ginji-san."

They left the battle ground and headed back to that part of Mugenjou they called their home. Ginji didn't say anything and his comrades let him walk in silence. They knew their emperor never liked killing people and admired him for it. But this time it seemed worse than usually. 

All day Ginji was strangely quiet. Kazuki sat down beside him for a while, trying to make him talk about what's bothering him, but Ginji wouldn't say anything. The night came, and Ginji was still sitting in the corner, brooding. He fell asleep around three o'clock, but didn't sleep for long, and woke up with a scream and a thumping heart. That dream… He didn't remember it completely, but he had been together with Midou Ban. Midou had smiled gently at him, and Ginji had hugged him and called him… Ban-chan?"

Why did he have these feelings? He felt like he had lost the most precious thing he could ever imagine. 'Midou Ban.' Tears filled his eyes. Why, why did he have to kill him? 

For a long time now, Ginji had been worried about what would happen if he lost control to Raitei completely and destroyed his friends together with half of Mugenjou. He thought that if he did, it might feel something like what he felt right now. Ginji made a decision, he must leave Mugenjou, now. He couldn't stay, somehow he knew it was over. And in the early morning hour, while the rest of his gang were still asleep, Ginji sneaked out, passing the guards without letting them see him, and was for the first time outside Mugenjou.

He was walking the streets, didn't know where he was going, didn't care. The only thing he could think about was Midou Ban, and that empty feeling. After about an hour Ginji was standing on a high bridge, looking down at the morning traffic below him. He was crying, didn't understand why, couldn't stop himself. 

With tears running down his cheeks, he resolutely climbed over the rail, stood for a moment with his face wet by tears. 'Ban-chan, I'm coming.' And then he jumped.

owari


End file.
